OldmanBlurtsOut

Not saying I don’t have a lot to cry about. Once you reach the half century mark of life, there are whole bunches of things in ones past which could set a man to crying. But, at least for the moment I’m not in tears.

In the formative years of my life, just a mere young lad, I grew up being taught this life’s lesson. Big boys don’t cry son, it’ll work itself out. I know the real lesson is one which both boys and girls must learn: “Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain” ~ some wise old philosopher who goes by the name Anonymous.

Being ripped away from my extended family at the age of eleven when my dad was transferred out of state, and then being ripped away from my immediate family at the age of fifteen when I was too rebellious doing drugs and skipping school and had to be sent away to a “school,” helped me to face this life’s lesson and learn that it is okay if big boys cry.

I learned I had a feminine side. I learned it was okay to hug someone you loved, even if it was a guy. I learned it was okay for me to walk down the street with my arms around a guy friend. ~ I know, about this time you’re asking yourself, “Is this guy fixing to tell us he is gay?” ~ No, I’m not gay.

So, as I grew older, got married and had some kids, I found I could sit down and cry and it was okay. I never hid this fact from my son or my daughter because I wanted them to learn, it is okay to show and share your feelings. Not saying there were a lot of tears over the years, for most of this time was a happy and prosperous time.

Then all the trouble leading up to the divorce hit. (I was married for 17 years.) Then after the divorce I found myself in a deep depression for years in which I could cry at the drop of the hat and often did. You can’t imagine what it was like through this while having to work on 9/11 and wait on customers balling my eyes out. That was one of the worst days as I’m sure it was for many of you.

But, I really don’t want to go into all of the nuances of my depression. Let’s just say for the moment, it took a lot of strength and faith to pull me out of my depression.

And now, let’s get back to the present. Tuesday is Valentine’s Day and I don’t have a Valentine and I’m fairly bummed out about it. It’s a stupid holiday; at least that’s what I try to tell myself. It’s a holiday made by all of the florists, candy makers, and greeting card people to make some money, right? Valentine’s Day, the true Bah, Humbug holiday!

Yep, that’s my thoughts on the holiday. I’m not saying there are not people in my life which I love dearly. I just don’t have a girlfriend and I see no prospects for the immediate future. I want someone in my life, but at the same time I am happy with my life. I want someone I can put my arms around and hold. I want someone I can see in person on a fairly regular basis and doesn’t live hundreds of miles away. ~ My marriage was the result of a long distance relationship and I don’t want to go through that type of pain again. Though, I know it is possible for a long distance relationship to work, I’m still afraid of the pain because I’m not convinced.

I know I don’t get out often but I also don’t want to be out on the town. Like long distance relationships, I’ve found relationships which start in a bar aren’t long lasting either. I do get out in public; I work, shop and go to church. I just don’t think I’m that appealing to most women. I’m older, fat and don’t have the strike ‘em dead smile I had when I was younger now that I have broken teeth in my mouth. So, my only hope is some blind, crazy woman is going to fall in love with me when I dazzle her with my charm, Lol.

So, I guess I should be crying. But hey, I am happy. I’m no longer depressed. I enjoy my life even though it can be monotonous at times. You know, get up, make coffee, play on the computer, go to work, come home, eat, read and go to bed. I do some other stuff in there but that about sums it up. I have some pretty good friends and a family who loves me. All in all, it’s a pretty good life, and it is Satisfied Staying Single Day,

So, I know I’m bummed and a little sad but hey, Big Boys Don’t Cry.